Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You pole danced in your parka.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
third nipple confirmed
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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