Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
