wrigley field is MILF paradise
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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