My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
