3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
