My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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