I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
