Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
A bitchslap is in order.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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