You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
