I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
