New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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