He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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