Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
