so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize