...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
