im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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