take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
