At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
