i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize