Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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