Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize