I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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