and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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