Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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