I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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