im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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