I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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