girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
