a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize