He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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