Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well I just put wine in my tea
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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