i love accidental penises.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
