i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Enjoy the penises
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
