I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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