My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
