I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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