somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
