shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
