I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
