I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
