the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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