If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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