He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
