listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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