Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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