I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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