I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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