mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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