i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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