She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize