im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Found your dick twin last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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