Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
