He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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