I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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