i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize