Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
