Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
