Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
