Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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